IVF again

I've just spent the last two weeks going through the stimulation process for IVF. I'm on the point of turning 43, which is the latest point at which insurance in the Netherlands will pay for IVF, so this was the last opportunity to do that.

When I've done this before, I learned that I over-react to the hormones. My ovaries produce lots of eggs - probably of low quality - rather than a few eggs of good quality. So I ended up taking on masses of fluid, feeling like a beached whale, and producing 18 eggs, which is really unusual for someone my age.

It all feels like a mean trick my body is playing on me. Of those 18, only 4 good embryos were produced. Because I had over-reacted and felt so bad, I was at risk of ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome, and they were unwilling to put any back into me, so the embryos were given an extra day and then frozen. And only one made it. When I found out, I cried.

18 eggs to one embryo. I know that some people go through IVF to even less effect, but I had hoped for better. To lose 3 out of 4 almost overnight was almost physically painful. I am mourning those little chances at life.

I am trying to look on the bright side - we have one little embryo left, and in a couple of months we will go ahead and roll the dice again with that one. And maybe, just maybe, this will be our chance. I don't know whether I believe in prayer, but it you do and you read this, please pray for that success. We need all the help we can get.

So I'm back in limbo, trying to be grateful for the things I have: my wonderful W, who has been like a rock over the past weeks; my beautiful Lily-dog, who is lying with her head on my foot as I write; my lovely house and garden; the security of a good job and a good brain. I we don't have children, these are the things I will focus on, and continue to be grateful for. So many people have so much less than me.

But I still wish I could have a child.